cautious laughs

i think it’s hilarious that sometimes i take my birth control with beer.

the bachelor

home again
two beers down
following many phrases
involving balls
and girls
and sex

“you’re one of the guys
now”
they said
fist bumping me

i grunted
with acceptance
and celebrated
with another round of high fives.

i will love again.

i broke down in tears today when i talked about you to a friend. i still haven’t decided if it’s you, or the idea of you that i miss so much. i suppose it’s a little bit of both, but when i think about the reality of you. the future. i can’t think beyond our weekend together, and what it might be like just to have a few more of those weekend adventures but see other people. casual. friendly. just like us. 

but it could be the sex? the ever-complicating factor that i’ve managed to avoid all these years to spare myself the heartbreak or the utter pain of having to fall in love? could it be that i’ve fallen under the spell of being under another? have i had love without sex? can you? 

why have i been avoiding these things for so long? sex, love, relationships, men. why have i busied myself so much that i’ve rendered myself un-recognizeable to the hopeful, romantic young girl who wanted so much to fall in love and have a family? why have i pushed so much of what i want away, and attained what i never wanted to prove to myself that i can do it all. that i can be it all. be whoever i want, and not who i planned for.

there’s some truth in this weekend, some truth that has been long buried under the lies i tell myself to make it all ok. i need to hurt. i need to feel longing. i need to feel as though i need someone, i crave someone, that pushes me to get up off my fucking ass and do something about it. 

you can’t force love. this i know. but i know that i am more awake, more alive than i have ever fucking been after a weekend away with a man i used to love. 

could i love him again? maybe. but the better answer to the ever-present questions is yes. 

i can.
and i will.
love again.

promises.

unfailing optomism
from years of our parents
telling us we can do anything
be anyone
opportunities await. 

rushing to finish college
leaving friends
and so much of what i loved
behind
to pursue what i was promised
i could attain

i didn’t plan to end up
here
i suppose only a few do

but how is it
i am 25
worn out by achieving
so much
and
overwhelmed by choice. 
and how is it
that in planning life
i may have missed it.

i must be lying to myself

because i can’t seem to write what i feel. 

writer’s block is always the first indication. 

i really need to think.

hidden treasures

100% seriously….everytime i leave the movie theatre, i find popcorn in my bra.

work? this is meagen.

things i like: 

-laughing all day with my coworkers
-making fun of the dumb things clients request
-lakers tickets
-typing on my mac computer
-saying the phrase “16×9 with a 4×3 center extract”
-free pens and paper
-my very own notebook to write lists in
-sharing a desk with ali
-being sent to NY
-industry parties
-having an extension
-padding actuals
-being bossy
-meeting cool people

things i don’t like:

-bitchy clients with outragously inhuman requests
-weird HD formats 
-canceling plans to accommodate egos 
-slack
-idiots
-the rainbow wheel of death
-bids
-no time for anything but work
 

on my way home.

he called me last night and asked how my day was. i told him it was great, and asked him about his own. he answered back, and it was almost as if we were back there again, one year ago before everything happened. it’s nice to know, that in due time, things can change for the better. with relationships, with jobs, family, friends, life. we were friends. and just that.  

he told me his new girlfriend had just gotten a puppy, and that he wasn’t working at the moment, so he would play mister mom. i laughed at the image that popped into my head of him, a 6 foot 4 inches tall man in an apron with the tiny pup in a sinkful of bubbles. friends. i told him i had ridden my bike around venice, and my friends came and met me, and we ordered one too many rounds of beers. he told me he’d done something similar, as he had just bought his girlfriend a bike for her birthday, and the dog could travel in the basket. yes. friends.

i didn’t feel for him, yet longed for what they seemed to represent. love. family. building a life together. i’m not upset, because it wasn’t supposed to be that way for us. i always knew that. but as i look at my life, could it be that i’m actively sabatoging my road to achieving what i want? i know that i’ve always wanted a family, so why have i stuck with a career that boasts long hours, low wages, and the kind of stress that leaves you too tired to do anything, but bitch about how tired you are.

what i want, is to be able to have a life. to live life. to enjoy life. i want to be able to wake up early, and not be tired. to want to greet the day, read the paper, suck down a cup of coffee before having to take the dog out for a walk before i need to work. i don’t necessarily have to work from home, but some flexibility of schedule would be ideal. if i had to have some sort of job, then i want one with a schedule, with hours that i know. and everyday i’d get off work, pick up the dog, and exercise while it’s still light. we’d come home, and i’d start to cook dinner. if i was in a relationship, he would come over and i’d cook for him. if i wasn’t, i’d enjoy a night alone, with my dog.

why is it that i can visualize what i want, yet fail to achieve it? is the key to happiness getting what you want, or stop thinking it’s going to look like you thought it was going to look like, and be happy wherever you are? i know it’s probably a combination, but how do i pick the lock?

all i know, is that i’m ready to come home.

just as i suspected

moving 3000 miles away doesn’t solve all your problems. they just follow you. i’ve settled into a lot of the same habits i have in santa monica. throwing my clothes on the floor when i undress, having my belongings strewn about in some sort of organized chaos, wanting to sleep past 8:30, flaking out on plans because i’m tired and had a bad day.i know it’s worse because i’m PMSing, but i’m really looking forward to going home. there are some things that i’ve realized while being out here. some friendships that haven’t stood the test of distance.fuck you. seriously. fuck you. who the fuck do you think you are? i always thought i was more myself around you than anybody, but you’ve now created the greatest divide. i don’t know how to act around you. i’ve lost our sense of closeness. i don’t feel safe with you. i hate you for hurting me. i hate myself for letting you.i can’t believe i’ve settled for so long. i keep saying i’m going to do something, but when do i give myself the extra push?  

spoiled after 3 days.

when i got home tonight, the doorlady asked me how my day was. 

 

i really like having a doorlady.