I opened my eyes
While you were kissing me once more than once
And you looked as sincere as a dog
Just as sincere as a dog does,
When it’s the food on your lips with which it’s in love

I bet you could never tell
That I knew you didn’t know me that well
It is my fault you see
You never learned that much from me

Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first, to the last time, the signs
Said ‘Stop’ – but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started
It said ‘Stop’ – but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started

I took off my glasses
While you were yelling at me once more than once
So as not to see you see me react
Should’ve put ‘em, should’ve put ‘em on again
So I could see you see me sincerely yelling back

I bet your fortressed face
Belied your fort of lace
It is by the grace of me
You never learned what I could see

Oh you silly stupid pastime of mine
You were always good for a rhyme
And from the first to all the last times, all the signs
Said ‘Stop’ – but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started
It said ‘Stop’ – but we went on whole-hearted
It ended bad, but I love what we started

-fiona apple

back to NY in 3 days
feeling a little lost
a little confused.
i want to go back
but i miss some things.

and it’s not the same here.
it hasn’t been, in a while.

given a choice
between the two
i don’t want either
but my mind says
pick one
pick one
pick one

it’s all so familiar
yet i can’t find my way out
again

how have they found
and moved on
and i’m stuck
waiting for nothing
it’s all so heartbreaking
and usually so avoidable.

how is it
i’m back in LA
jeff buckley on repeat
if this was my anthem for LA
i need a better one
for my new, new york life.

in LA for fall
again
october is warmer than i thought
i was going to have.

listening to ed sharpe
forgetting who told me about them
but silently grateful

thanks.
and if i think it’s who i thought
i miss you.

it’s starting to get cold
the leaves changing colors
a fall i’ve never known.
away go the summer dresses
and brief, wonderous romances
or ideas of such 
buried now
tucked under the familiarity
of warm winter clothes
and you.

on days like this
where the sky is grey
and it take more than 
a little motivation
to crawl out from under the covers
i think of you
and wonder
are you still there
and can we be in bed
instead?

i wish it was snowing out
so the candles that i have lit
didn’t blow out
when i turned on the AC
and the red wine
made me warm
instead of hot.

the fall of love is upon us
and i need the weather
and you
to cooperate.

my temperamental love
are you the one for me?
probably not
but you’re the closest i’ve got
and for right now
that’s all i need.

i will put my coat on
when it gets cold
but if it’s alright with you
i’d prefer it off
when you come over.

i’m sorry i couldn’t invite you in
i feel like a bad friend 
i love you
but i love her too
and i don’t want to be here
stuck in between
i won’t choose
it’s not my place
but in the meantime
i sit here alone
wondering what my two best friends in new york
are doing.

this one. this time.

he makes me want to smile.

i can’t help myself anymore
and when you have to admit that
it’s humiliating 
dehumanizing
being forced to rely on a pill
to make it all go away.

i swore to myself i’d never take them again
the pills
that made the bad not so bad
and the good, mediocre.

i wanted to feel
and wasted 3 years of my life
living a lie
telling myself it was ok
that i was ok
living like that.
similar patterns emerge
eating takeout alone
instead of calling friends to go out
in hopes better plans come through.

MAKE PLANS.
this is NY
i should be able to go out alone
but something is holding me back
i am my own worst enemy.
this is the first time i’ve written since i’ve moved
and won’t be the last.

i feel inspired
i want
i feel
awakened
like i’ve been sleeping
maybe not for the past 3 years
but close

i’ve started reading again
listening and finding music
photographing
being out
and today i wrote
for the first time
since i left
and it feels fucking great.

thanks new york
i may not always love you
but today
today
you’re my newest friend
and you’re kind of fun
so if it’s ok with you
can we hang out tomorrow
and maybe the next day too?

seeing snow in central park can make you remember what life is all about.