can’t help myself

i can’t help myself anymore
and when you have to admit that
it’s humiliating 
dehumanizing
being forced to rely on a pill
to make it all go away.

i swore to myself i’d never take them again
the pills
that made the bad not so bad
and the good, mediocre.

i wanted to feel
and wasted 3 years of my life
living a lie
telling myself it was ok
that i was ok
living like that.
similar patterns emerge
eating takeout alone
instead of calling friends to go out
in hopes better plans come through.

MAKE PLANS.
this is NY
i should be able to go out alone
but something is holding me back
i am my own worst enemy.
this is the first time i’ve written since i’ve moved
and won’t be the last.