he called me last night and asked how my day was. i told him it was great, and asked him about his own. he answered back, and it was almost as if we were back there again, one year ago before everything happened. it’s nice to know, that in due time, things can change for the better. with relationships, with jobs, family, friends, life. we were friends. and just that.
he told me his new girlfriend had just gotten a puppy, and that he wasn’t working at the moment, so he would play mister mom. i laughed at the image that popped into my head of him, a 6 foot 4 inches tall man in an apron with the tiny pup in a sinkful of bubbles. friends. i told him i had ridden my bike around venice, and my friends came and met me, and we ordered one too many rounds of beers. he told me he’d done something similar, as he had just bought his girlfriend a bike for her birthday, and the dog could travel in the basket. yes. friends.
i didn’t feel for him, yet longed for what they seemed to represent. love. family. building a life together. i’m not upset, because it wasn’t supposed to be that way for us. i always knew that. but as i look at my life, could it be that i’m actively sabatoging my road to achieving what i want? i know that i’ve always wanted a family, so why have i stuck with a career that boasts long hours, low wages, and the kind of stress that leaves you too tired to do anything, but bitch about how tired you are.
what i want, is to be able to have a life. to live life. to enjoy life. i want to be able to wake up early, and not be tired. to want to greet the day, read the paper, suck down a cup of coffee before having to take the dog out for a walk before i need to work. i don’t necessarily have to work from home, but some flexibility of schedule would be ideal. if i had to have some sort of job, then i want one with a schedule, with hours that i know. and everyday i’d get off work, pick up the dog, and exercise while it’s still light. we’d come home, and i’d start to cook dinner. if i was in a relationship, he would come over and i’d cook for him. if i wasn’t, i’d enjoy a night alone, with my dog.
why is it that i can visualize what i want, yet fail to achieve it? is the key to happiness getting what you want, or stop thinking it’s going to look like you thought it was going to look like, and be happy wherever you are? i know it’s probably a combination, but how do i pick the lock?
all i know, is that i’m ready to come home.
